January 28, 2016

  • I Love You Nots

    Not counting sons, I can count on one hand the people I've truly loved. If I really give it some thought I might even have a finger left over. Is that unusual? Thankfully we have the Internet where people say I love you to everyone. People they've hardly met. It's always made me a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps I don't know the true meaning of the word. Maybe I should check it out on the Urban Dictionary.


    This is is actually about loss. The word love aside, I would at least acknowledge friendships. I certainly like the friends I've made online over the years and am quite close to some of them. Maybe there are just many more kinds of love, variations. Others are probably just more comfortable saying I love you to many people in their lives. Loved ones. I can actually, if so inclined, pinpoint my issue, and place the blame on my childhood.

    Anyway. Jeez, I can ramble. I am in my third cycle of friend loss, which is at least partly why I've gone back to blogging and therapy. The first time was after my eldest son's accident. The one that caused his paralysis. After awhile I noted that that one was actually a good thing because those who stayed were close friends who became even closer over the years.


    The second time was actually huge, and quite painful. It occurred after my youngest son's death. After awhile people just disappeared from my life. Even those who used the I love you phrase. In fairness, I was unable to nurture the relationships, apparently that's a really important part of friendships, regardless of your situation.

    Most recently of course, my husband's death. This time I withdrew almost completely. I left my Girl Group, I withdrew into myself, choosing to read books or binge watch Netflix, rarely leaving the house. No one noticed. Everyone has their own problems, they're too busy to babysit me. I'm a high maintenance friend.


    So I'm blogging, talking to myself, in therapy, keeping a gratitude journal again, allowing my shrink to make med changes, trying to keep the grieving off my Facebook as much as possible, not willing to alienate the friends who have hung in there with me since 1996.

Comments (8)

  • Loss is so hard ~ especially when friends disappoint ~ been there, done that. Have a great weekend ~

  • @fwren: thank you, the same to you.

  • Everyone grieves differently. When my mother grieves (with my grandmother's death and then my father's) she becomes a raging insomniac and will spend all night rearranging the pictures on the walls. It was quite disconcerting to go to sleep and upon waking have every room rearranged. But I know that is how she copes and channels her sadness. If reading books and watching netflix helps you then it is all good. I hope the friends you have can allow you the time and space to do what you need to do without abandoning you!

  • @murisopsis: thank you, Val. I rearrange too. Did furniture in two rooms yesterday.

  • For what it's worth I did notice. I worried but wanted to give you space and felt guilty and concerned that I ruined the girls group by joining with my huge stuff. Glad you're blogging again and that it continues to help.
    No need to do movies solo by the way. There is a new theater in Yorkville, about halfway for each of us and I can join you.

  • I did not have much luck with friends. I have always had an irritating personality in person. However, family and employers liked what I could do. I loved one guy friend for 30 years. HE died about 5 years ago and I still talk to his widow. It is my duty.

    I got dumped by boy friends.

    Sounds like I am complaining, but I am happy.

    Val is right. We all grieve differently.



  • @LonaMay: that sounds great. Will see what's playing, let's see if we can coordinate it.
    No, it isn't you, Lona. Your stuff is so huge that it makes me feel terrible that I can't help. It's a nursey thing I guess. Would love to see you, but I know you have so much on your plate and only so many spoons to use.

  • @HUMOR_ME_NOW: yes, we all do. I think having tons of friends is overrated anyway. There's nothing like a couple of close friends you are truly comfortable with. It's nice you stay in contact with your friend's widow. I'm sure it means a lot to her.

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