January 28, 2016
Not counting sons, I can count on one hand the people I've truly loved. If I really give it some thought I might even have a finger left over. Is that unusual? Thankfully we have the Internet where people say I love you to everyone. People they've hardly met. It's always made me a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps I don't know the true meaning of the word. Maybe I should check it out on the Urban Dictionary.
This is is actually about loss. The word love aside, I would at least acknowledge friendships. I certainly like the friends I've made online over the years and am quite close to some of them. Maybe there are just many more kinds of love, variations. Others are probably just more comfortable saying I love you to many people in their lives. Loved ones. I can actually, if so inclined, pinpoint my issue, and place the blame on my childhood.
Anyway. Jeez, I can ramble. I am in my third cycle of friend loss, which is at least partly why I've gone back to blogging and therapy. The first time was after my eldest son's accident. The one that caused his paralysis. After awhile I noted that that one was actually a good thing because those who stayed were close friends who became even closer over the years.
The second time was actually huge, and quite painful. It occurred after my youngest son's death. After awhile people just disappeared from my life. Even those who used the I love you phrase. In fairness, I was unable to nurture the relationships, apparently that's a really important part of friendships, regardless of your situation.
Most recently of course, my husband's death. This time I withdrew almost completely. I left my Girl Group, I withdrew into myself, choosing to read books or binge watch Netflix, rarely leaving the house. No one noticed. Everyone has their own problems, they're too busy to babysit me. I'm a high maintenance friend.
So I'm blogging, talking to myself, in therapy, keeping a gratitude journal again, allowing my shrink to make med changes, trying to keep the grieving off my Facebook as much as possible, not willing to alienate the friends who have hung in there with me since 1996.