March 6, 2016

• Beating Down Anxiety

  Other than taking care of car things, which I've already mentioned, William also took care of other odious chores like doing taxes. And hiring window washers in Spring and Fall.  I feel sort of guilty for taking these things for granted because they sure seem to be major things when I have to do them.

   

  Am I the only mother who worries when not hearing from the "kids" for awhile? Part of me thinks that's ridiculous, it's unrealistic to expect to hear from a 39 year old man regularly. But another part thinks, it's not like he has to pen a letter and send it via pony express. How hard can it be to text, "hey Mom, I'm doing fine, hope you are too"?  The more time that goes by, the more worried I get because my anxious brain works that way. With one son dead and one son paralyzed, I think I come by this disorder honestly. So I reach out, feeling like an annoying mother, only to find out there was something wrong, he's been ill. Would I have worried more or less if I'd known he was ill? I don't know. But I'm also a nurse. Maybe I could've helped. Or be even more annoying by telling him everything he already knows. :sigh:

  Younger son is on vacation right now. Just a 5 day respite in AZ, UT, NV. He texts all day. It's almost like being there, he's been sending me beautiful pics of an area of the country I've never been. He's 35. Brothers. They are different as night and day.

  Which reminds me, later this month is youngest son's birthday. He would have been 26. It seems that subconsciously I am always aware of milestone dates. When I become consciously aware, I note that there is usually an increase in anxiety preceding the date. The date itself comes and goes now, just another day without him. In the beginning, that first year, all the "firsts" were pretty awful. The second year was a bit better. Now it's my subconscious that reminds me of what's coming up.

   

  I just want to remind the few readers left here on xanga that it (to me) isn't the way it used to be and I don't expect any comments. Truly. I just need to journal as part of my own therapy, to cope with losses and learn to get my anxiety under control. I chose to come back to xanga because my archives are saved and if a kid is ever interested in reading my ramblings, well here they are. It's not as easy to write here as it used to be, but it may be just that I used to use my laptop and now I use my phone, which makes it almost impossible to read most of your blogs in return. There's something with the formatting that I can't seem to fix.

   

  • 11:46 am
  • 7 Comments