January 27, 2016
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Morning Musings
It's pretty difficult for me to stay on task. Whether I'm writing or working on a project or just doing chores, my ADDled brain is very easily distracted. Blogging, for me, is more often than not just tapping out a stream of consciousness. I only returned to writing here a couple of weeks ago, but I am noticing some positive effects, and it hasn't been difficult to keep at it, so I'll stay engaged.
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This morning during "Coffee Time" my mind wandered to Dylan, which it does often. Today I smiled as I realized the difference time and attitude make in memories. For example, there was a time when I might have thought, "he lived 20 years without ever experiencing _______." Now I can think, "ha! He managed to live 20 years without ever eating a salad. WTG, Dylan!"
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It is incredibly easy to almost immediately after the death of a loved one to forget every bad, negative, annoying thing about them. Speaking for myself of course. With this comes a fair amount of guilt. I'm talking about my husband now. I'm feeling guilty for being annoyed, sometimes downright pissed off, about silly, stupid little things. As a nurse, I believe I took excellent care of him, right up until the end. As a wife, I could -should- have been much better. Was he really always so supportive and loving towards me? I don't know, I can't remember. (How do you insert emojis?!) He certainly saw me through an awful lot of stuff. But it worked both ways so I'm thinking it's okay to ditch the guilt. As with raising my kids, I did the best I could.
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Comments (6)
Those are the same things I though about when my dad died. I couldn't really remember any of the negatives... We all love the best we are able.
I will be a better husband and father one day.
Loss is tough.
@HUMOR_ME_NOW: interesting. Yes, I think that's true. May it be many decades from now.
@murisopsis: I don't know why I didn't experience that when my dad died. We made our peace the last few years of his life but he still hasn't come close to sainthood. I wonder if it's because it wasn't just between the two of us and there were "witnesses" (my brothers) who share our stories.
It is definitely okay to ditch that guilt. During that while time you were also grieving the man he was. Or at least, I think so. <3
@TLS: I think I grieved that before he died. =(