March 16, 2016
Today I went out to dinner alone. I was in the mood for Mexican but not in the mood for cooking it. Mexican cooking is time consuming when you don't have ingredients pre made. It occurred to me that I haven't been out to eat in about 4 ½ months, since maybe a month before hubby died. My son didn't want to go, he had a chiropractic appointment. I actually think he wants me to get all these "firsts" over with. So I went to a little Mexican joint that we sometimes went to. I got a booth and had Animal Farm with me to read. It was fine. One thing I did notice was how much more quickly you get done eating when there aren't two of you talking.
I got home and looked at the photo of hubby taken at dinner a month before he died. He was still looking pretty well. Lots of weight loss of course, but not yet as ill as the last week or two. I smiled at the photo remembering where we were and why I took the photo. By then I knew our days together were numbered and I took lots of photos. I tried to remember what we talked about but couldn't. But most distressingly, the time has come that I can't summon his voice. I know it wasn't very deep, and it had just a hint of sexy raspiness. But I can't really hear it in my head. I tried to remember things I heard a lot and was finally able to envision both the sound and cadence of things I heard the same way for many years, like his outgoing phone message, and when he was out and would call me, "hi, it's me, I'm on my way back, do you need me to bring anything home?"
Feeling better now.
Last evening we had storms roll through. Not being originally from the Midwest and having experienced 2 close calls since living here, I have sort of a tornado phobia...if there is such a thing. It popped into my head that William was also my tornado warning guy! How would I know when to gather pets and head to the basement? Well the answer of course is that there are tornado sirens. They are ungodly loud but I was afraid I might sleep through it (ha!) so as a back-up, I downloaded an emergency alert app for my phone. There was rain and hail, lightning and thunder boomers, and heavy winds that continued on into today, but nothing alarming.
And so life goes on and me with it.