Football, one of my many weaknesses. I'm not sure it's a politically appropriate game anymore, what with all the concussions and TBIs. But I do love the game. Today will be the last game before the Super Bowl. Of course my team -Da Bears- don't often make the post season. Regardless, I'll be watching and rooting against NE. I'm sure they'll win, but a girl can wissh.

Happy Sunday!

Wow, happy Sunday indeed. The Broncos are going to Super Bowl 50!

...and happy weekend. The news today is all about the blizzard on the east coast. Here in Chicagoland we barely got a dusting. We've had quite a snow deprived winter thus far this season. In younger days that would make me sad. Nowadays, not so much. I'm sure I would really miss winter if the move turns out to be somewhere south or to the dessert.

I think that FL has almost been ruled out as a destination. AZ still seems to be on the table but I'm not sure that will come to fruition either. Newly in consideration is CO. If I had my druthers? I'd go back to the east coast. It still feels like Home. At some point I think I need to make a list, pros and cons, of the places in the running.

My main consideration, whether it should be or not, is proximity to a son. It doesn't look like it will ever be both sons as they are not now, nor look to be in the foreseeable future, in the same states. I haven't really considered the option of living my own life away from them both, but perhaps I should consider that too.

The other major consideration, of course, is finances. There are several states much more retirement friendly than others, and if I am planning on living past next Thursday, I really need to financially plan better, especially now that William is gone.

I have done the math and figured out that I can continue to live here at least another year, which is great, not only because I love my house and little town, but because it gives me time to do the research and make all those decisions in a reasonably informed manner. First up, a list of states that do not tax social security nor retirement funds.

At least then I'll have narrowed choices from 50 to 10. Progress!

Addendum: Did some homework. It looks like these are my choices.

My first xanga entry was in November 2004. For whatever reason it only goes back to 2011 now. I didn't blog much during that time. In the beginning I wrote pretty much everyday. Sometimes more than once. What in the world did I have to talk about? Actually, I do know. I blogged on vacations, posted those photos, blogged about my kids, the good, the bad, and the ugliness of mothering 3 sons, including the last teenager.

Now I think I'll blog looking to regain control of my sanity. I have an anxiety disorder, and of late it seems to be out of control.

That's as far as I got a few days ago. Since then I've been sick, feeling much better now, and I had an entire wasted day of anxiety, complete with a panic attack the day before yesterday. For those who have never had one, the symptoms of a panic attack very much mimic what we're taught are the symptoms of a heart attack. The first time I ever had one I went to the ER. Since then, I try to talk myself down, deep breathing, going out into the cold, walking briskly. My fear is that someday I'll ignore a real heart attack while trying to deep breathe away my panic attack. Oy.

Yesterday was a good day. So far, so good today also.

It was a quiet, cold day here in the Midwest. We're still having below zero wind chills but not much snow yet this winter. I spent the day mostly reading and hydrating with lemon ginger tea, extra lemon and some honey. It would be really great if I can nip this in the bud in record time, meaning before my asthma kicks in.

I did get one thing accomplished, so it wasn't a completely wasted day -I gave Freddie a bath and mini trim and clipping. Each time I do it alone it gets a bit easier.

Freddie and Floyd

Cupcake and Freddie

It's a Monday, and it's a sick day.

I recall sick days being somewhat more fun when I was still working.

If not exactly fun, at least rewarding. Hot tea, pajamas and reading on the couch all day.

It's a bit different now. Oh, I am still chugging hot tea. Lemon ginger with honey. And I am still pretty much holding down the furniture. And I will finish my book today.

But I'm also feeling sorry for myself. William was an excellent caregiver when I was sick. He went out with the dogs, and he brought me coffee, tea, and cooked my favorite comfort foods, then delivered them upstairs so I could eat them in bed and act like a whiney baby.

There's hardly any point to even being sick now.

Except I am. The creeping crud has finally found me, amazing because other than a quick run out to the store the other day, I haven't even been exposed to any sickies.

Yesterday I started an entry that is saved to drafts as it isn't finished. If I can gather my thoughts through the fog I might finish it later. Or I might take a nap.

It's minus 22 degrees with the wind chill here today. We are completely buttoned down for the day.

This is one is Cupcake.

So, I need to put this right out there: this isn't going to be a feel good, travel and flowers kind of blog. I have done that here in the past,  maybe will again in the future, but for now I need to write as a form of therapy and Facebook isn't meeting my needs for that at the moment. Please know that you do not have to comment on my entries. It's okay!

Where have all these friends gone? It's so easy to get sucked up into one's own life, I'm guilty of it too, and to have no time or patience for those who are struggling. I hope I haven't thrown out an empty "call if you need anything" only to disappear when desperately needed.

I'm not truly surprised really. My friends are probably war weary from dealing with me through my life's crises. First my eldest son's accident and paralysis. Then years of his drug addiction, followed by his brother's. My youngest son's death. My husband's illness and subsequent death. And through it all, supporting me and my emotional highs and lows.

I'm feeling dreadfully alone lately, but it could just be because I Am Alone. While I no longer look for my husband so that I can tell him such and such, I do still come across times when my first thought is to tell him. I do think coping with loneliness is something I am capable of doing with a little more time. It's actually not the worst thing on my list right now.

Sundays have historically been good days in the Fall and Winter. Mornings of politics followed by afternoons of football and evenings of watching 2 of the few shows I actually watch real time rather than Netflix bingeing. Binging? My football team, of course, didn't make the playoffs, so without a pony in the race, football has lost its allure for the year. Now I'll only watch the Super Bowl.

I am taking part in the 2016 reading challenge, so I'll spend some time this afternoon with my current book, The Things They Carried, by Tim O'Brien.

"Are we smiling big enough?!"

I am a 58 year old retired nurse and mom, currently living in Illinois, but that will change in the next year or so. As I wrote in my previous post, I was recently widowed. That's the tail that's wagging the dog. I will need to sell the house and move to a kinder, more tax friendly state. I have two dogs and a cat. All three are exceptionally affectionate pets. I had three sons for 20 years when my youngest died. Now I am back to two sons, aged 39 and 35. I'm not really sure how it happens that kids get older than we feel on the inside. On the outside I look every bit my age. I'm just going to thank my kids for that rather than the ravages of time.
Did I miss anything important in my brief getting-to-know-you?

Hello Friends, old and new. I'm not yet sure how this all works, but I'm quite happy that my xanga seems to be intact. The timing is most fortuitous as I really need to do some blogging and Facebook isn't meeting my needs at the moment.

Perhaps someone can answer a question or two? I just saw and replied to comments that were left on my previous testing post. Years ago return comments were left on the commenter's blog. I tried to do that but noticed you don't all have active blogs, at least none that I can see, and not all of your names were hyperlinks. Would someone please explain that? I might need a little tutorial to get caught up.

So, where do I begin? I believe I was still blogging here when my son died on October 4, 2010 so maybe before I start jumping back and forth, I'll start by saying that my husband passed away on November 26, 2015. On Thanksgiving. There's still so much to grasp and do and deal with, I thought blogging might help me sort things in my head.

If I can figure out how to add photos again I'll do that too. I have a feeling this will be easier on my laptop than on my phone so a trip to the geniuses at the Apple Store is in my future.

For those who don't know me, I will write a brief intro in my next entry, once I'm sure this goes through without a hitch.

Happy 2016!