Today I am going to the movies with Lona May. It's like a three-fer. Actually getting out of my comfort (home) zone, and meet with a friend, and cross another movie off my list. I'm really looking forward to it. We're grabbing a bite at Panera so we can chat a bit, then going to see The Finest Hour. Will update a review-ish later, but the previews look great and everyone who's seen it said it was awesome.

So, I had a much needed and great girl-time this afternoon. We met about an hour before the movie and sat with coffee in front of a fire at Panera. That gave us ALMOST enough time to catch up and gossip a bit before driving a couple of blocks to the theater. I thought the movie was enjoyable. Based on a true story, light on plot but great special effects. We saw it at an IMAX  in 3D too. I'd say you could wait to see it on demand but getting the full magnitude of that storm, ship and, oy, the ocean, made the big screen worth while.

Oh, oh, almost forgot to mention, my date didn't utter a word during the movie. Perfect! =)

Yesterday was a real life day. I'm having more and more of them as the Facebook shine wears off. It's like beating an addiction, but it's all good.

It was the first day using my new turntable. Oh what fun it was digging out my box of OLD albums and playing them all day. It was such a mood pick-me-up. Music was a huge part of my life...until it wasn't. After Dylan's death, I actually had to avoid it. Every song triggered memories and made me cry. I'm too old to appreciate new music. So at least yesterday the answer was old music. By old I mean sixties, seventies and eighties, the music I grew up with, the artists I went to see in concert. A couple of times I found myself dancing. That can't be bad.

I put the turntable in the living room. While deciding where to put the albums, I thought it might be time to clean off the bookshelves, arrange and cull books. It turned out to be a much bigger project than I initially expected. Going through William's books was emotional. I'm sorry to say I really hadn't paid much attention to his shelves before. I spent a lot of time browsing and arranging, deciding to keep rather than donate. It's impossible to part with my own books, apparently it's also impossible to part with his books also. (One son inherited book hoarding.) Needless to say, I didn't finish the chore yesterday, but I did get 3 out of 4 book shelves done. Will finish up today. My lungs will be happy when the dust settles. (Does anyone dust behind the books on their shelves?)

This shelf is just cookbooks and gardening books. Below is mostly art and architecture.

Happy weekend everyone!

Addendum:

Had to add because this is weighing on my mind. Last night, in response to a Facebook entry about my social security still not coming through for me, I received a private message from a long time online friend who hasn't really participated much on Facebook. She responded to my hypothetical question, "what do people do who have no savings, have a mortgage, have debt, but have no income?" Her response was, "they are me." While this just reinforced how lucky I am, I felt her fear and had no answers for her. I couldn't think of a thing she hasn't thought of herself these last two years of no work, and finding herself in her sixties and unhireable. She's afraid of losing her house at this point, but mortgage payments are still lower than any rents of apartments in her area. "There but for the grace of god go I."

It's taken me a lot of years to have the interest to even learn how a caucus works. It's only been the last few years that my casual interest in politics went into warp drive. Now I understand what goes on at a caucus, (how quaint) how easy it is to cheat, and thanks to the Internet and everyone's cell phones, be caught cheating, and how antiquated a system it is. Oh, but also why there would be incredible resistance to giving up such a (quaint, antiquated) hands on, neighborly, democratic way of voting.

And all this was hammered home yesterday while watching the process and the returns, and this morning, reading the various analyses, opinions, and seeing videos of some of the problems in action.

But there's still so much I don't understand. For instance, the DNC can't be very happy with how close Bernie came to winning. (And but for a few coin tosses and some machinations of Hillary supporters, might have actually won.) So, would they try to replace her with someone the party sees as stronger, maybe someone with less baggage? She's already got the establishment, politics-as-usual endorsements, as well as millions of dollars being shoveled into her account. Bernie says he's in it to win it, but does he have enough left in his trick bag to get him the nomination? The "kids" (young new voters)  are sending him money, attending his rallies, volunteering, but yesterday it looked like they can't be counted on to actually get out to VOTE when the time comes. Will that change?

The republican side: Cruz upset Trump and is now leading that party. He did his homework, prepared well, did the full Grassley, and it looks like it all paid off for him. Shrewd. Rubio isn't far behind. I think it might come down to those two going head to head as I can't see Trump in it much longer.

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This morning I started a big pot of hot Hungarian smoked sausage soup. It's still simmering so the vegetables get done. Will divide it up later and freeze some. As it turned out, it became a perfect day for soup. It's raining, hailing and thundering. Also a perfect day for goofing off now that I paid the fee by getting somethings accomplished first.

So it's happy February. The calendars have been flipped. Can Spring be far behind? I went out this morning to find heavy frost covering everything. Now, a few hours later, with the sun shining, not only is it all gone, but most of the leftover snow has disappeared too. Thanks to a few days of above freezing temps.

Will probably turn the boob tube on to talking heads today so I can keep an eye on the Iowa caucuses. I smiled when I saw this this morning:

I don't know of anyone, who isn't already a Hillary supporter, who is ready to settle yet.

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Today is a chore day. "Big" laundry days are when I strip beds and do not only the linens and blankets but the spreads and comforters too. Then it's outside for pooper scooping. It's a pet peeve (no pun intended) having to clean up after a dog who doesn't belong to me. I clean up after my own whether it's in my yard or my parkway, or in someone else's. Last night someone was not as courteous.

Next will be some more furniture and book shelf rearranging. Last of the chores I intend to accomplish is a drop off trip to the Salvation Army, then listing a few items on Craigslist.

That, along with dog walks should see me through to evening, when I allow myself to chill out with a book or a binge watch. Anyone have good recommendations of either?

When I first realized my xanga, or at least part of it, had survived the great purge, I debated whether to start writing here or resume writing in the Notes section of Facebook, where I wrote at least each month after Dylan's death until the second year. I chose to come back here because the halls here feel pretty empty right now. I feel comfortable allowing my mind to flit and flutter and to just babble and ramble about whatever spews forth. I didn't feel like writing for readers. Wonder if that makes sense.

Today's Coffee Time is being spent with Freddie on my lap. He's going for a grooming tomorrow. He'll come back half his size.

I'm thinking about driving up to Lincolnshire today. It looks like a cloudy, gloomy day and there are a few movies I'd like to see before the Oscars. Movie watching hasn't been a big part of my life and pretty much not at all the last few years, but I watched a couple on demand recently and was surprised that I was able to sit still and pay attention. So I'm going to run with it and see a few more. One that I've really wanted to see, 45 Years, is only showing in limited theaters, hence a trek up to Lincolnshire. While up there I can also stop at the Lovin' Oven, Kuhn's, Kevin's, and do a drive-by of our old house. Sounds like a plan and a full day.

Two political things have been taking up some of my time. I find I can help as long as I don't need to leave the house to mingle with hordes of people too often. At home is when the anxiety is most often closest to under control.

I'm helping with Bernie Sanders' campaign. (I thought about having this be a politics free zone, but that would be silly -it's my blog!) It's the first time I've ever done anything like this. I couldn't join the army of volunteer door knockers who went out to Iowa, but I can easily make phone calls and participate locally.

The second issue is very local. The majority of the residents of our quaint and historic little town are fighting the mayor, city council and planning commission over a proposed 220 unit, 5 story apartment building. With high rents, the builders will be marketing it to mostly millenials making over 70K. (The builder claims 220 units is the least they can do and still make money. They have already purchased the property and razed the building that was there.) I see several problems with this, and judging by the signs in their yards, and the attendance at meetings, I'm not alone. I do wish William were here to add his professional opinion. I know he would be unimpressed with the buildings themselves, not quite hideous, but nothing special, interesting, unique. Those same buildings can be found anywhere. Then there is the size, dwarfing everything else in town, traffic and parking considerations. And where do they think these new residents are going to come from? This isn't The Field Of Dreams. 220 families with the correct finances aren't just going to decide to move to the far western 'burbs because they built it.  I'm not against growth and expansion. If they were three stories instead of five I would live with it. But as it is, I need to join my neighbors in protest. Also new for me, but what the heck, I'm retired, I certainly have time to add my voice and tap out a few letters.

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Speaking of if you build it they will come...I'm alone now, not really cooking much, certainly not full meals, and absolutely not every night. But last night I did. I made 2 salads, two veggie dishes, a rice dish and chicken. For four people. At six o'clock. At six-fifteen I texted them to find out their approximate ETA's so I didn't ruin dinner. I cooked it, but they didn't come. Apologies were texted back almost immediately. They'd all forgotten and now had other plans. One was working late, another had plans with her sister, another a massage appointment. I must say, I took it in stride. Perhaps I should have called to remind them during the week? Anyway, lesson learned, dinner divided up for fridge and freezer, kitchen cleaned. (All of them? Really?)

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Emotionally today was another good day. I did some grocery shopping, then stopped at Barnes & Noble where I haven't been for a very long time. It's changed in that time, going with the flow to stay in business, I guess. I could easily have spent more time, but it was very hot in there, and me in my winter coat. It worked out well. I escaped with what I'd gone for plus only 3 additional things. Score!

Not counting sons, I can count on one hand the people I've truly loved. If I really give it some thought I might even have a finger left over. Is that unusual? Thankfully we have the Internet where people say I love you to everyone. People they've hardly met. It's always made me a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps I don't know the true meaning of the word. Maybe I should check it out on the Urban Dictionary.

This is is actually about loss. The word love aside, I would at least acknowledge friendships. I certainly like the friends I've made online over the years and am quite close to some of them. Maybe there are just many more kinds of love, variations. Others are probably just more comfortable saying I love you to many people in their lives. Loved ones. I can actually, if so inclined, pinpoint my issue, and place the blame on my childhood.

Anyway. Jeez, I can ramble. I am in my third cycle of friend loss, which is at least partly why I've gone back to blogging and therapy. The first time was after my eldest son's accident. The one that caused his paralysis. After awhile I noted that that one was actually a good thing because those who stayed were close friends who became even closer over the years.

The second time was actually huge, and quite painful. It occurred after my youngest son's death. After awhile people just disappeared from my life. Even those who used the I love you phrase. In fairness, I was unable to nurture the relationships, apparently that's a really important part of friendships, regardless of your situation.

Most recently of course, my husband's death. This time I withdrew almost completely. I left my Girl Group, I withdrew into myself, choosing to read books or binge watch Netflix, rarely leaving the house. No one noticed. Everyone has their own problems, they're too busy to babysit me. I'm a high maintenance friend.

So I'm blogging, talking to myself, in therapy, keeping a gratitude journal again, allowing my shrink to make med changes, trying to keep the grieving off my Facebook as much as possible, not willing to alienate the friends who have hung in there with me since 1996.

It's pretty difficult for me to stay on task. Whether I'm writing or working on a project or just doing chores, my ADDled brain is very easily distracted. Blogging, for me, is more often than not just tapping out a stream of consciousness. I only returned to writing here a couple of weeks ago, but I am noticing some positive effects, and it hasn't been difficult to keep at it, so I'll stay engaged.

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This morning during "Coffee Time" my mind wandered to Dylan, which it does often. Today I smiled as I realized the difference time and attitude make in memories. For example, there was a time when I might have thought, "he lived 20 years without ever experiencing _______." Now I can think, "ha! He managed to live 20 years without ever eating a salad. WTG, Dylan!" 

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It is incredibly easy to almost immediately after the death of a loved one to forget every bad, negative, annoying thing about them. Speaking for myself of course. With this comes a fair amount of guilt. I'm talking about my husband now. I'm feeling guilty for being annoyed, sometimes downright pissed off, about silly, stupid little things.  As a nurse, I believe I took excellent care of him, right up until the end. As a wife, I could -should- have been much better. Was he really always so supportive and loving towards me? I don't know, I can't remember. (How do you insert emojis?!) He certainly saw me through an awful lot of stuff. But it worked both ways so I'm thinking it's okay to ditch the guilt. As with raising my kids, I did the best I could.

Six days before William died we were sitting in the kitchen having coffee together. I looked over at him and saw the morning sun glowing around him. He looked so sad and tired, ill and old. I remember thinking it would be soon, that he wouldn't make it 'til Christmas. He had no idea it would be so soon. I snapped a picture and noticed the rays around his head.

I asked him to smile. I see the sadness in his eyes.
He died six days later.

When I'm not cleaning, reading or binge watching something, I'm still not getting anything accomplished. Wm had 3 rooms he laid claim to. His office was dismantled while he was still here. His "hobby room" is really just a tiny attic space packed full of boxes. I'm inclined to just start a Bagster and pitch everything, but my conscience won't let me. Minimally, I need to go through each box and make a decision: pitch, donate, sell, or save. I have a feeling the Bagster will still end up full.

There's at least an entire box full of model cars.

There's an entire box full of his framed licenses and certificates. They used to take up a whole wall of his office. He always said he looked good on paper. I have actually spent a lot of time contemplating them. One works so hard to earn diplomas, etc, then once you're gone....someone throws them away? It seems wrong to do that, but what else would I do with them?

There are at least several boxes of cords that even he didn't know what they belonged to, always sure once he threw one out he'd find a need for it. Which of course never happened. He'd buy a new one which is why there are boxes full.

There are at least 2 desk top and 6 laptop computers!

There are boxes and boxes of paperwork. Taxes of course, but what else does anyone save for years and move from house to house?

There are boxes of electronics.

There are boxes of medical equipment.

There are endless boxes of miscellaneous stuff.

All in that one tiny room, where he kept putting it because it made me crazy to have it anywhere else.

Originally he was going to paint in that room. Architects are usually also artists. We have a few of his paintings left. I will keep a couple, one son has a few that he chose, the rest will be given to his nieces.

Then there's his bedroom to finish.  Almost immediately after he died I started cleaning out his room. Maybe even too soon, but the hospital bed was being picked up, so I just worked on the rest of the medical stuff and moved on from there. I remember doing the same thing when Dylan died, going through his things too soon  like having order in that room will somehow ease the pain, the loss. How silly. It's not even that I know better this time, after all, it's 2 months today, but every time I go in there to finish working, I sort of walk around in circles then walk back out and close the door.

Maybe tomorrow....?